I Chose Salvation...

I AM BOLDLY sharing this painful yet necessary testimony. INTRO: AUDIENCE: THE LOST SHEEP My Life was one traumatic Event after the other. I spent my childhood being abused, both physically, and sexually. That is another testimony.This is the testimony of how I was delivered from drugs and alcohol. The addictions of the flesh are not a way to cope. They are a one way trip to Hell. Addiction as God revealed to me is a form of Idolatry, Idolatry of the Flesh and it is rooted in SELF. 1 Corinthians 10:13-14 says "No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. God is Faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But, when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it." Therefore, my dear friends, flee from Idolatry.

At the age of 33 my life hit rock bottom. These trials came after my separation from both my children, and as I was involved with a man but not married. My first born was tragically killed in 2000, & My 2nd child was stripped from me, as a newborn in 2001 by social services, and yet I had done nothing to deserve it. My infants father had reported me with depression, and they took my baby away while still breast feeding, what started out as a 30 day investigation ended up getting much more permanent as My boyfriend got a lawyer, took out a 50b, and got the court to sign some papers. I had always struggled with baby blues, and the timeline of getting pregnant immediately before healing from the death of my first baby, was not the answer. yet, I was hurting, I was confused, and I was the prime suspect for Satan. After all the hardships I went through, today I realize I was reaping what I sowed. Galatians 6:7 says "God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he reap also." I lost all hope, and depression consumed me. Everyone has to come to their crossroad, this was mine. Life has been a painful Journey. It was not easy. I made many mistakes. I was living in sin. The adversary used me, lied to me, ensnared me. The things that I did hurt my family members, & had a lasting effect on my now 15 year old son. I felt like I was a victim and I had a right to be angry. I was a victim all right, to the Evil that surrounded my soul. Depression is a beast. It is selfish and self serving. It has taken me 6 years to wait on Our heavenly Father to prepare me to write this testimony. I always wait on Father. He told me that this testimony will help many others. I pray it will. No I do not glorify the things I did to make this testimony seem all better, those are still painful memories. Yet, My Father in heaven is making something beautiful out of all that was shattered. As I was writing this I felt it all again, I cried tears that needed to be shed again.. I have released it. No I am not ashamed of my Father in heaven and what he can do in all things. I am no longer in condemnation I have been forgiven and set free. This testimony is for the healing process to continue, for those that can receive understand all things are possible with Christ, to forgive, receive forgiveness, even Generations before us. numbers 14:18 says "The Lord is slow to anger, abounding in love and forgiving sin and rebellion. Yet, he does not leave the guilty unpunished; he punishes the children for the sin of the parents to the third and fourth generation." The Spirits of addiction, alcoholism, abuse, etc had to be bound up and cast down. The curse had been broken. I pray for a complete healing and deliverance for all of us. May God have mercy on our souls. Deliverance is real, but you have to MAKE A CHOICE.. work out your OWN SALVATION WITH FEAR AND TREMBLING.. HALLELUYAH As I explained earlier, my life felt as if I were in fast-forward motion and never able to catch my breath. I had one traumatic event after another. Its like all those years I had silently regressed. Regression happens to trauma and abused victims, it means to return to a less developed state of mind, to evade life completely, unable to cope. This is a demonic manifestation as well. I had this mentality I must appear strong on the outside. I wanted to be an over-achiever and show my strength. If many of us were honest with ourselves, we would acknowledge that we wear a mask to the outside world. God sees everything in our hearts. Those of us who pretend to be something we are not, often on the inside feel fear. Fear is one of the toughest demons to expel. It manifests and thrives behind many other root sins. Fear caused me to silently suffer, So to dodge the embarrassment of looking weak, I bottled things up, and during my struggles emotionally I isolated myself. I had depression from very early on, and its a secretive disorder. Many who know my story only know what Part I allowed them to see. The pain buried inside of me there was no safe place to express, I was terrified of my vulnerability. Yet over the years during my mental breakdown, I was slowly imploding. I knew that it would take a miracle to overcome it. So I fought really hard to just fly right through life, hoping it would not ever catch up with me. For if I dared to stand still I would surely fall apart. Many bad choices I made were made out of fear or doubt.

My life was changed forever by just one mistake. Just that one sin of fornication out of desperation would cost me dearly. I had my first pregnancy at 20 and I was not married. I did the very best I could with the bed I had made, so I reaped what I sowed. I chose to raise my child without the abusive partner I had. On the way out of town to go visit my mom, In February 2000, My baby and I were in a fatal car crash. My baby was diagonal to me in his carseat. I wont go into details because it is too hard to relive it. My baby died of internal injuries at 11 months old. At that point in my life I had never experienced anything like it. The experience as a whole was very traumatic to me. For many years after this accident I blamed myself for his death as I watched him suffer and bleed to death covered in shards of glass, and I was not able to rescue him. For 11 months he was in my arms. We were inseparable. I had never known that kind of love.

The obvious route that I felt I must take in dealing with this pain was to appear strong, and That inner voice would say everyone would get tired of my grieving. So I just shut down completely. At that point I began to exude another personality. An obsession began to fester inside of me and I had made up my mind & there was no stopping it. I rushed into the arms of a man who was not Gods plan for me. The reason I was willing to sell myself short and settle, was because I was desperate to fill a void. I wanted a baby and I thought having one would make it all go away. So by age 22 November 30, 2001 I had my second child. I was living in sin and I did not know it had weight. Now by the age of 21, I was going to be a mother of 2 bastard children.

Hebrews 12: 8 says "But if you are without DISCIPLINE

[Not in the Holy word, not repentant, living in the flesh] of which all [THE WORLD] have become partakers, then you are illegitimate children and not sons." GOD WANTS US TO BECOME HIS SONS AND DAUGHTERS.

The chains were dragging behind me yet I was blind and could not see them. They had accumulated a irreversible load to bear. Sins piling up, curses being unleashed. I was hurting, and yet what could I do to stop it? The only relationships I had ever had were abusive. I had acquired co-dependencies, and unhealthy mindsets.

I was an exotic dancer at age 18, and still depending on this career off and on after my children 1 and 2. I had met both my children's Fathers in a bar. As my second child reared school age, behind the scenes a battle for his custody was brewing. My ex had gotten married so I was fearful that I would look ill equipped in court. I was immediately talking to a man I barely knew one night jokingly about marriage. He asked me to marry him. Again, Satan was waiting. I was young, living in the moment, and it was just the right ingredients to keep me in bondage to my adversary. I married this man, we only lasted 3 months. He assaulted me continuously. The last time locked him up. I was pregnant again, bastard child #3 and scared out of my mind. The previous time that he hit me, with my 5-year-old son in my arms, we were in a public mall. Security was called and eventually my son told his daddy about the incident; It wasn't looking good. I was in the hospital, and told my baby survived. I was so fearful of replaying the abusive pattern and joint custody nightmare again. I had a restraining order but it did not make me feel protected. I decided to have an abortion. That decision opened a doorway to the death and destruction Demons, along with every other Demon I had from fornication, and transference. Little did I know, at that time, because I was in ignorance and rebellion.

I signed custody rights to the Father, during mediation because my resistance was 0, and My stress was 100, and my tolerance for life was non- existent. On the weeks my son was not with me I was grieving both of my children. For the first time I had to finally slow down and feel the pain off loss of baby #1, and now #2, and because of my own decision to murder #3. I could not sleep, and had horrible nightmares. The nightmares were reliving the accident over and over again. I was dreaming of all my babies, in horrid ways. I dreamed of house fires, tornadoes, car crashes, plane crashes, you name it. I was diagnosed with PTSD yet had no significant treatment plan. I began having insomnia out of fear I would fall asleep and relive it again and again. I walked the floors panic-stricken night after night. I struggled with depression and it became chronic. I was battling the suicide Demon night after night. The long durations away from my surviving child was too painful. I had already figured out in my mind how I was going to do it and fantasized about it. I attempted so many times the hotline counselors knew my name and regularly visited me, many times over the phone talked me down. I abused alcohol and started abusing drugs too. It doesn't matter why or how I began, I can make a million excuses, but I was a victim. Unrepentant sin caused my fall from grace. My moral compass had diminished if not completely vanished. In the end I lived as a functioning drug addict and alcoholic. I hated my life because of the poor choices I made, yet could not take them back. I had a lot of passive-aggressive anger and unresolved mental deterioration. Eventually a black cloud loomed above me, a demonic presence smothered me completely, and all I thought about was how I could self destruct. I ended up hanging out with people who I didn't even know in places I couldn't even tell you how I had gotten there. In the beginning it was just alcohol, but soon I had tried other things. I thought If I was going to be continuously victimized, and hurt, and blamed, why not give up completely. Who cared anyway? I only wanted to escape, and I thought if I drink enough if I did enough drugs I might die. Every time I was under the influence heavily I hallucinated and blacked out, and ended up hospitalized. I did this anyway sober when under anesthesia while in surgery and was warned to never drink, because PTSD is a serious condition. The doctors and nurses would say I went through this spell for 6 hours and that I was kicking and screaming and biting them. The doctor explained that I had PTSD and Under the Influence I was literally reliving the car accident in my mind. And like an actor playing a role in a movie until it was finished I would not come back to consciousness.Depression and anger, rage and fear, I could go on and on about all the demonic influences I had acquired. My life had become a ticking time bomb. By the time my son was 8, I had a home but I did not dare go to it. Even my own family did not know how bad things had gotten. I walked the streets day at night searching for a way to stay high. My habit had become so insatiable I would walk the streets for weeks without sleep, and without eating, even dehydrated. I was begging for death. I hated myself and I hated my sore life. At this point, my resistance to the drug cocaine had easily transferred into crack. I knew the stigma for people who were strung out on this substance, and I tried really hard to not have the same. Walking the streets in search of anything except sleep, I met my match with death. Something changed right before, I had come face to face with my own mortality, and the reality chewed right down to my bones. I knew I could not help myself any longer. I had tried numerous times to get clean on my own. I remember my dad sent me a Christian CD in the mail. That CD planted a seed. That seed started to grow. I listened to it all the time and before I knew it that's all I wanted to listen to. One night I confessed my sins to God and told him if you see anything worth salvaging in my life I need you right now to help me because I cannot do it alone. This life of mine has become a prison. My drug habit has become a monster and it's consuming me and I fear I'm going to die. Yeah I know I have a son who loves me but I want to be with him everyday. It hurts so bad when he's not with me it hurts! Please help me! I am angry with the people who hurt me, and I am bitter and lonely. This has become bigger than I can manage on my own. If you see anything in me worth salvaging, and can make something beautiful out of the mess I've made, I promise I will serve you wholeheartedly the rest of my days. I will give you all of me. Some time later I cannot calculate, I woke up in a ditch in the woods. I was missing a sandal and my face was covered in blood, I think my face was busted, I still have a scar under my lip from it today. I think I had gone into the woods to hide and smoke, and my body gave out on me. I vaguely remember tripping and falling earlier the day before, I also had run from my dealers without paying in full. How long I was there I do not know. Those memories are sketchy even to this day. I would go on 10 day binges and come off. I was an exotic dancer and that made it accessible. No I did not touch drugs for a long time in that profession, but Satan was waiting for just the right time. Eventually I started pawning things that did not belong to me and even stealing. When I woke up in that ditch, I felt rain on my face, thunder and lightning above me. There were a lot of trees and I was laying in briars. I heard the voice of God it was like Thunder, It was like a dream an out-of-body experience. I may have been dying, I had taken a lot of drugs, and mixed pills too. There was a divine intervention over my soul in heaven that day. I heard a voice very powerful and resonating in my veins say, "I heard your cries now RISE UP LEST YOU WILL DIE." There was a war for my soul going on above me. Satan had one hand on me, Jesus (Yahoshua) had the other. Satan said "She's mine, I've got legal rights to her now there is no redemption." Jesus (Yahoshua) said, "No she confessed and cried out to me. I am here to salvage whats been lost." Then Inside my head I began having an actual conversation with Jesus (Yahoshua) my savior.. I told him I couldn't go anywhere because I didn't know where I was and then when I stood up finally I saw that I was behind an apartment complex I said I was humiliated and couldn't walk out there in broad daylight missing a shoe and blood on my face. He said again but more firmly, " RISE UP AND GO OUT OF THIS PLACE LEST YOU WILL DIE." I said but where do you want me to go? How can I know which way is up and which way is down? I do not know if I can go this way or that way. I am lost and without direction. Then the last thing I heard was... "Follow Me." I wish I could tell you the rest was easy, but it wasn't. My life hit rock bottom and I ended up in jail. That place was God's plan for me. I refused to get bonded out, because it was my lot. Psalm 16: 5 says "Lord, you alone are my portion and my cup; you make my lot secure."

Jesus (Yahoshua) knew I could not get dried out on my own, and while in jail he talked to me. Jesus (Yahoshua) told me many things I did not fully understand before. He said I would never have a desire for drugs again. He said, "I have removed your sins as far as the east is from the west." Although he told me, I doubted my ability to go to face the world again. I Had a lot of shame, I was still in condemnation. I thought, "Ok Jesus I am so happy that YOU have already forgotten all the things that I have done that shamed you; but what about me? How do I forgive MYSELF and let go?" So, Jesus (Yahoshua) remembered my question and my dilemma and so he sent ministers to preach the word on my block. God can use any vessel good and evil. These particular ministers had been sent by Jesus to see about me. I'm sure they were already coming in there before I got there but the point I'm trying to make is it was for me this time. He had sent them on a mission, little did they know, They were just the vessel. They were nothing spectacular but they had really interesting brochures to read. We were never allowed to carry any books except the Bible, and even that was only the New Testament and it was paper back. The girls in my block were all drug addicts and prostitutes. I felt at home among them. We all had one thing in common. Abuse rape, neglect. We were what was left of what had been broken in our families and society. Those girls had no desire to ever stop doing drugs and alcohol it was their life. The cycle of being on the streets and going back to jail and back and forth was all they knew. Part of me felt like a fraud because I had a good home & I had a good family. Yet, like them I was what was left of what had been shattered to pieces. Jesus (Yahoshua) remembered my question and he knew my struggle. He had already heard my many prayers and began working it out for my good. So one day, even though I felt this unseen Force clamping down on my tongue and my throat and felt anxiety over the thought of allowing my passive tongue to speak out, I finally fought back, and this tiny voice asked, "Jesus (Yahoshua) saves us and he forgives us of our sins but How do we forgive ourselves?" The lady raised her eyebrows as if to say "WE GOT A LIVE ONE HERE HURRY WE MIGHT NEED REINFORCEMENTS!" She stuttered a bit as if she was surprised somebody asked a very good question yet very difficult to answer, I mean I could read the look on her face like isn't that the million-dollar question? Hey when you find out let ME KNOW WOULD YA? Yet, Jesus (Yahoshua) stood in the gap and took over her vessel and ministered to me. She read a lot of scriptures and gave a lot of examples of people in the Bible who had done really bad things some of them even murdered. In the New Testament of course. She went on to explain how even they were used by God. And so her perspective was "IF God can forgive them and they were murderers what do you think he can do for you? Murder is just as wrong as lying.. and so forth. So you can be forgiven, and you must pray and ask your Father in heaven to help you redeem your confidence. Its ultimately about trust and faith, AND Letting go. Then again I heard Jesus (Yahoshua) say "Follow me." I WAS PLUGGED INTO THE HOLY SPIRIT I WAS THIRSTY I WAS READY The passage she was reading was Matthew 16:24 Jesus (Yahoshua) said to his disciples, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me" That was my confirmation that everything was going to be OK. What Jesus (Yahoshua) taught me is that forgiveness is for us, and if we forgive others their trespasses he will forgive us ours. When we let go and give our baggage to him, and lay them down at his feet, we must be sure to not take them back home. forgiveness breaks the chains and sets free the captive of bondage. As I was released back into the world I entered into a four-year rehabilitation program. I had to go through extensive therapy. It was the hardest thing To do. Searching yourself and self examination is a painful process. Still, I had a lot of addictions. One by one, Jesus (Yahoshua) delivered me of all of them. There are many testimonies of my life, but this one was my crossroad. I had to choose which side was going to win my soul. I was told that I was a statistic and that I would never be free, therapist like to label you once an addict always an addict. Yet, I know I am never going back to that place. Actually, today the memories have all but left my mind. Only when I need to recollect do I share what I need to share. This part of my past was a story of how I overcame death. More than just death, a second death as hellfire. It was only made possible by my Savior my redeemer. Still, even this is not the end of my testimonies. Everyday life as I rise and fall my spirit against my flesh I overcome something new each moment. Life is full of choices and every choice I had made had huge impacts on the lives around me. I inadvertently hurt others I cared deeply for. Maybe originally where I felt victimized I had a right to be angry, yet I chose to harbor those negative emotions and sinned against my body, against society, against my family and against God. Forgiving myself was the hardest obstacle in my path. Even though it was available to me it would never justify what I had done, what I had become. Their were a million consequences to my actions. I paid a high price for them all. Forgiveness is a choice that takes courage and strength, and it gives us the ability to overcome rather than remaining a victim. Unforgiveness will bring self-destruction. Behind it lies a prideful spirit. No one wants to admit self pitying is a sin. No one wants to admit self-consciousness is about pride. Self- condemnation, self-abuse, self-hate. No one wants to admit these are prideful self serving leech sucking life draining demons. Truth hurts and it stings. Ultimately the revelation comes when you realize its not about you anymore. Its about a choice. The choice to make it about HIM and do it for HIM and give it all to HIM, to HIM be the GLORY, and HE only is worthy to receive it ALL. The choice was made in my life and its constant. This testimony no longer belongs to me, it belongs to MY heavenly Father.

Today my goals in Life are serving others, in the Kingdom as a child of the Most High God of Issac, Abraham and Jacob. Today I walk in the renewed Mind, as a New Creature. I will never look back. I inherited the keys to heaven, but Im walking in heaven right now because everywhere I go Father is with me. He has restored everything that was lost and more. No I don't think I care to assume being redeemed somehow makes it all ok, Even to this Day looking into my child's eyes sometimes hurts. I know God made something Beautiful out of me but I never meant to hurt him, or my family. I only hope they see my efforts and appreciate my courageous heart. Now that I am a watchman, and in the Word daily, I have been armored up and sent back out to be a fisherman of souls. No, it is not always easy to walk out on faith as scripture says we walk by Faith not by sight. I been a lot of places, I seen a lot of people. I am happy to pray for anyone. My response will always be stand in the Gap for them all. You see, I know someone was sure praying for me.

In the scriptures it reads, Matthew 22:14 "For many are called but few are CHOSEN." THATS POWERFUL.